Saturday, July 3, 2010


I bought a dress with little spaghetti straps to wear to Niyi's wedding.  It was lovely, blue with sparkles.  But my sister said "YOU CAN'T WEAR A BRA WITH STRAPS WITH THAT!" and i was like, "oh, really?" *sadface.*  I HATE strapless bras.  because I have big bazoongas.  Sweater meats.  Dirty Pillows. Whatever.   And strapless bras always end up sliding down as the night progresses, pulling my boobs floorward and helping me achieve that ever fashion-forward look I like to call "Grandma tits."

I figured maybe I could avoid this by turning to a neat adhesive bra, as I had purchased a pack of them ages ago and never worn them because I was smarter back then.  These bras were called Fashion Enhancers and I figured they would solve my bra problem toot sweet.  I still don't understand why I couldn't wear a regular bra with this dress, but Kara said I couldn't, and she's a mom now, so I give her opinion on things more credence than I used to.  I applied the Fashion Enhancers as per the instructions.

I checked to make sure I was not a "woman with significant melanin" because it was indicated in the directions that this product can caused skin lightening.  I am already very, very white, especially on the boobs, so I wasn't worried and went ahead with my plan.

After applying the Fashion Enhancers my boobies were lifted somewhat but they looked kind of wrinkly and torpedo shaped.  Not good.  So I decided I better layer on the closest thing I could find in my apartment to a strapless bra, which was this bustier thing, size 36C.  My bust size is either 34D or
34DD depending on which lingerie store I get measured at.  So I strapped on the bustier thing and the cup were kind of pushed out beyond the actual boobs..  so I filled in the difference with cotton balls.  Looked swell! (as evidenced by this picture of me flapping my arms like a bird.)

Alright, so I was reasonably sort of comfortable and ready to go!  About an hour into the event I was attending my boobs got really itchy and I remembered I am allergic to most adhesives.  When I had surgery last summer I had to buy a "durable barrier cream" because all the tape holding my bandages on kept a)giving me itchy red raised rashes and/or b)ripping off bits of skin.
I should have put on the durable barrier cream before I put on the adhesive bra.  So, I had a nice time at the event, stalwartly ignoring my itchy tits by focusing on the pain of the boning in the bustier poking me in the tummy when I sat, and my toes in my brand new high shoes, blistering and grinding themselves free of flesh when I stood or moved.

After the party I went in the car and thought to myself "how can I get out of this stuff!?"  I tried to go into a gas station bathroom but the attendant told me it was "closed for cleaning."  That gas station looked like it hadn't been cleaned since 1973 but whatever.  I pulled off the adhesive bras in the car without taking off my dress or bustier (it was dark and I don't think my friends noticed me molesting myself, or if they did, they were kind enough not to mention it.)

My skin came off in three spots on my right boob, so I used some the cotton balls I had stuffed in the bustier to do a field dressing on the new wounds.  The medial surface of each under-boob was all red raised rash of course.  When I got home I found a carpet tacking nail inside the bustier (I have no idea why) and it had scratched up my tummy quite well.

So Fashion Enhancers and spaghetti strap dress and bustier and all that stuff worked out just dandy.  I highly recommend both products because one would not want to ruin one's appearance with a regular bra, right?

Now, the Fashion Enhancers came with 3 adhesive bras in the pack.  I only have two melons.  I was excited by the possibilities offered by this extra bra.  I was going to make an awesome false beard:

Or perhaps a beautiful tiara:

I asked Brian to help me decide and he said it would stick to my hair or rip the skin off my chin.  I asked him if we could put it on dittocat and he said no.

Ok time to work on the book. smell ya later!

PS: I AM GOING WADING AND SEINING TODAY!!  you are jealous.  Don't be jealous!  come with me.  Into the Depths

PS: THIS JUST IN!  BRian made me breakfast!!  i tried to take a pic like vanna white and one of the sammiches fell on the table!  but the table is clean.  i eat now.

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