no not like this:
bad news, bears!
it's kind of worse. i can only best splain with a picture because it is so bad.
so i guess i'll tell you some stories about bears. they are from when i lived in the cabin, which was in the woods. and by a pond. that's important because critters like ponds (for drinking) and bears like critters (for eating!)
one story goes like this:
BEAR KILLS TELEVISION
one time me and juss were sitting on the couch watching punky brewster. it was all sunny and nice out which was great because it was almost always cold and snowing because we lived in stupid upstate new york and our house was summer house but in upstate new york it is hardly ever summer and our house leaked warm yet managed to contain and magnify all cold. so we were watching punky brewster and having a nice afternoon and then a bear walked by the window. he walked across the porch. i was like "dude, i'm tripping balls." and he was all like, "nope, bear." so we waited a while and cracked open the door that was in the living room because it faced the direction the bear ambled off in and we wanted to see if he was gone. but he was not gone. he was halfway up the hill and he was fighting the satellite dish. he was up on his hind legs making bear sounds and then he busted the dish part off the stand part and then like stomped on the bits and went away.
the other story is like this:
one time i was running out on this road in the woods and i got distracted by berries or because i had to poop or something. i have to poop sometimes when i go running and since i used to run in the woods a lot i had to poop in the woods a lot. i went off the path and down by this creek and i was looking at this old stone wall because they are like everywhere up there because people used to think it was a good place to have a farm and it was if you like digging up rocks and boulders and moving them so you could farm. and then you would have this land and this huge-ass pile of boulders so you would build a a wall of them around your land so everyone would know this was a farm and not eat your radishes and shit. but i guess that didn't work so well because there are only defunct farms mostly up there now. and old rock walls like the one i was looking at. but then i remember my cardiovascular fitness and whatnot and went back to the road to start running again and then something came out of the woods on the right side of the road. it was really tall and hairy and jsut like ridiculously tall. way too tall to be a person but my head wasn't being smart it was being all dehydrated and tired and so i thought it was a guy in a bear suit. and hten i realized that it was a bear and I yelled "HEY BEAR" and then it looked at me (I was preety far away but not hugely far away) and then i realized that i did a stupid thing by yelling at it. then it stopped looking at me, dropped to all fours and went off toward the creek, on the left side of the road, because maybe it had to poop or it wanted berries or something.
ps. my tummy still hurts.
UPDATE FROM THE MORNING: